*Trigger warning: diet talk*
I got kind of a scary wake up call this week. Even though I have a general rule against weighing myself, I randomly decided to do so at work this week. The number scared me. If the scale at work is to be trusted, I’ve lost almost 10 pounds in the last couple months. This is NOT a good thing (no matter what my diet-obsessed co-workers tell me). I don’t just lose weight without trying. That’s not a thing my body does. But it is doing it now because I’ve been eating so little and the little I am eating, my body is not processing so great. So to see that I’ve suddenly dropped 10 pounds scares me. Not only is it obviously unhealthy because my body isn’t getting the nourishment it needs, it’s borderline triggering for me. I’ve struggled really hard over the last couple years with being okay in the body I have. It’s taken a long time to get here. But seeing that I lost weight, seeing some clothes fit looser on me, triggered that little voice in the back of my head that eggs me on to continue losing weight. For a brief moment I had the thought that if I just lost a little more, I could fit into some of my old clothes. I’m not going down that road again. I need to get serious about taking care of myself. I’m going back to belly dance this week. And I’m going to buckle down and meditate every day, even if it’s only for 10 minutes. (I found a cool app to help with that called Headspace.) I will get this anxiety under control and without the help of Big Pharma.
I managed to eat three meals a day almost every day this week. I danced at home one evening and made a half-assed attempt at meditating. Hard work is hard. The anxiety is still there and as far as I can tell, there isn’t any specific trigger. Saturday morning I woke up about 20 minutes before my alarm went off feeling panicked with my stomach in knots, no idea why. I remained anxious the rest of the day and the feeling remains somewhat today. I’m trying really hard to just sit with the feeling and remind myself that this is not permanent, this will pass. It’s just so frustrating to feel so anxious over seemingly nothing. But I’m not waving the white flag yet; I’m sticking with this 6 week plan of self-care in order to avoid meds even though it would be a lot easier to just go get a prescription.
Ugh. Anxiety is still super high. I’m forcing myself to eat because my therapist stressed the importance of eating even when I don’t feel like it. I’m trying really hard but it’s not going so well.
Been a long time since I’ve posted here. Things aren’t necessarily better but I’m working on it. Anxiety has been through the roof and I was strongly considering crawling back to the psych for new meds. But then I saw my therapist this week and he helped me get some perspective. I’m committing to 6 weeks of daily self-care in the form of 20 minutes of exercise and/or meditation. I’ve promised to work on my diet, as this anxiety has really affected it negatively. (There was a 48-hour period where I only ate once and I’ve been unable to eat breakfast for weeks now.) I’m trying to get to a calm place. I have someone in my life who is a really calming influence, an anti-irritant. So that helps. And I have people around me supporting my decision to stay off meds. I’m working through this. If you’re working through this too, don’t give up.
After my acupuncture appointment yesterday I felt calm for the first time in at least 2 weeks. My practitioner gave me an herbal formula to try, which I’ve taken twice now. Hard to say if it’s doing anything at all because this morning I’m so wound up worrying about my impending move that I’m absolutely not at all ready for that not even a Valium could calm me down at this point. But at least I can pinpoint a cause of my panic today. That’s a step.
Ugh. I’m on my 3rd or 4th straight day of not being able to eat breakfast. I thought this morning was a go but nope. There is absolutely no reason for my stomach to be churning like this right now, but it is. I think I’m going to spend tomorrow searching for a new psychiatrist to discuss anxiety medication with cause this is getting real old.
Excitement over being anti-depressant free has given way to fear and insecurity. Things feel a little muddy. There have been crying jags, not entirely unprovoked but still. Emotions feel a little out of control. Anxiety has been sky high.
I hate admitting defeat, mostly because I have to admit that the weird psychiatrist, whom I don’t really care for, was right. But I’m afraid he was. Maybe my brain is so fucked up now that I can only function normally with meds. That makes me sad.
For anyone else who has gone off Effexor, did you go on a different drug immediately? If so, which one? (Feel free to message me privately with answers/suggestions/experiences.)
It’s done. No more Effexor! I haven’t had a dose of it in almost 2 weeks. I got to the 7 day mark and felt a very mild dizziness so I decided to just be done with it. Moods are fairly stable for the most part and no more physical side effects. I am so relieved to be through with this awful stuff. And I’m excited to try living my life free of anti-depressants for the first time in over 15 years.
Thank you for the kind words and support I’ve received via this blog (and to my IRL and internet friends scattered across the country). I remain open to answering any questions about the withdrawal process in the hope that my experience can help someone else. If you’re trying to get off Effexor, know that it’s rough but it can be done. Take care.
Oops. I guess I forgot to update, huh? After my last post, I did one pill every four days for 2 weeks and then down to one every five days. I was actually due to take one today but I’m only just now starting to feel mildly dizzy and it’s after 4 pm. I’m going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow before deciding where to go next. I would like to go down to one every 7 days and then see if I can just be finished.
The dizziness and nausea have been much diminished after the second week of one every 4 days. Moods are fairly stable most of the time. I’m feeling pretty hopeful. I was supposed to have a recheck appointment with the psychiatrist this week but I cancelled it. I see no reason to pay a $50 co-pay for a 5-minute office visit when I’m handling this just fine on my own.
I’m pretty proud that I’ve managed to remain so stable throughout not just weaning off this med but doing so during the winter and through a break-up. I don’t need you anymore, Effexor.
Ugh. Today was terrible. I have been so so so dizzy all day with the nausea on top of it. Eyes barely focusing. Headache and pressure. And the brain zaps…so bad. So so bad. I was super irritable all day too and then out of nowhere, random crying jags. Having read so many personal accounts of Effexor withdrawal online, I knew this was where it was going to get the roughest. I know this is where some people start counting out the granules from their capsules. I just want to be done with this so badly. I hate feeling so sick and out of control like this. And I refuse to believe that the emotional response has anything to do with my actual depression but instead is entirely related to the withdrawal effects. This drug is the pits.
